November 2009 Archives

I have struggled with tobacco for most of my post-pubescent life, having experimented with most forms and most brands at one time or another. I'm currently in a smoking phase again, but I've discovered an excellent way to let that phase go: gross cigarettes.

The first piece of advice in the "7 Day to Quit Smoking" manual distributed for free by my college is to change the brand you smoke to a brand you don't enjoy. I did not set out intending to do this, instead going "What's that stuff I used to smoke in high school?" Hoping to further enjoy my tobacco adventures.

This led to my acquisition of a box of Marlboro "Reds," for some thought to be Jesus in cigarette form but for most a pretty good way to remember that cigarettes aren't that much fun. The whole experience is jarring. It begins well: you smell the cigarette. It smells like a cigarette should...tobacco-y. You then light and inhale. Immediately the filter turns a gross yellow color.

In your mouth is the unbridled, untarnished Marlboro flavor. The Marlboro Man was a tough guy because he had to be. This stuff tastes like sin and makes you feel awful. Upon taking my first drag, I felt as if I had at once managed to cheat on my girlfriend, sell nuclear secrets to the Chinese, and watch the Glenn Beck program. (I kid Glenn, I kid).

I have heard of parents punishing their children for smoking by forcing them to smoke an entire pack at once if they get caught smoking. I'm thinking about offering my kids a Marlboro red outright. Any time they want one. These things are the best anti-smoking device in the entire universe, at about 1/10 the cost of the patch.


 

Perhaps one of the world's most ironic beer brands - Pabst Blue Ribbon - is for sale. The asking price is reported by the Chicago Tribune to be close to $300 million. The company's present owner - the Kalmanovitz Charitable Foundation - is apparently being forced to sell the company due to an IRS regulation prohibiting charitable foundations from owning for-profit companies.

Bank of America Merrill Lynch is already on the prowl for a buyer who would pay the asking price, but a pair of ad agencies are attempting to marshall the power of crowds in order to come up with enough money to make an offer themselves. The Ad Store and Forza Migliozzi would actually come reasonably well equipped to to run the business if they managed to get the money together. Pabst has disbanded all brewing activities and instead its thirty employees spend most of their time coming up with ad campaigns for its stable of brands.

On the surface, their attempt to "crowdsource" this is kind of impressive. It would be a real first to have a beer company owned by a diverse "crowd" with differing stakes in the company itself. It would be kind of - or perhaps - exactly like a publicly traded company. Wow, this stuff is revolutionary. What Iconoclasts these guys are!

The thing that is really iconoclastic is that these guys are going to actually try and raise the whole sum of money - in cash - before they make an offer. It would sure be nice if most acquisitions worked the way that these guys seem to think they do.

My favorite part is that upon visiting their website, we are invited to pledge money but given a vague understanding of what those monies will give us. A "certificate of ownership" that is "suitable for framing" will accompany a shipment of beer upon completion of the transaction.

It seems interesting, but at the end of the day it seems like a few ad guys got their heads together and figured out a slick way to beg the country for free money. Why lie, they want some beer!